A Whisper In the Ear

Candice Jo

I have a best friend. Candice. She recently passed away from Leukemia. She was just a few months older than me... Yeah. I know. Leukemia at 22 years old... I, still, to this day, have a hard time believing this is real life. 

We laughed so hard and about such nonsense :')... She was always the optimistic one. She was always lifting my spirits up. Even when I would roll my eyes, and shrug off her wisdom on the outside. Like the big 'Tough Girl' I like to think I am ;). She brought out the best in me. Things I didn't want to see in myself. Simply, because I didn't feel worth it. So wise and hopeful, beyond her years... 

We met Sophomore year of high school. Clicked instantly. We went to college together, watched stupid, scary movies; and of course Tommy Boy, School of Rock, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and the awesomeness of The Emperor's New Groove. We lived together several times and it was either me, or her that got homesick and moved back to our home town. Once again, separated. Before her death. Quite a while before. We sort of separated onto different life paths. I moved to California, got married, had a baby, and went on with my grown up life... She moved back to Kansas. Back to her four wheeling, family get together's, friends, and her own books, room, and life there.

Then she got sick... I guess I just figured she had caught it early. That they would be able to pull her through. I also just assumed she'd be too stubborn to pass ;) . . . But I guess that's not how the after life works ;). I started harboring deep, heavy guilt over her death. All these thoughts and questions wouldn't leave my head... I should have spent more time with her. How will she ever forgive me? How can I forgive myself? Does she know that I'm sorry? I should have called. I should have went to see her. I should have done more. I should have told her how I feel, how much I did appreciate and love her... Etc. Etc.

The day she died (August 18th), I was working. Around 4-6pm I felt so heavy. I felt dizzy, like a light cloud and fogginess surrounding me. I felt as if someone was standing right next to me. Saying goodbye. And I instantly thought of Candice. That whole day and the day prior, I had a sick feeling. A feeling of loss. I knew exactly where these thoughts were rooting from. I knew Candice wouldn't make it. I knew her soul was around, already. Slipping away. I didn't want to think that way, though. I didn't want to live in that world without her. So, I refused to put myself there. At 9pm, the day I felt the dizziness, her cousin relayed the bad news to me in a heartbreaking message, that Candice had passed away at 5:30pm. 

Along with other loved ones, I needed her to come through during my session with my Medium; very soon after she had passed. Of course, she answered my prayer. The father of my brother (also, deceased)  introduced her presence as 'a friend that's passed away.' Of course I just lost it. I was so ecstatic to feel her around again, but feel her presence in a higher light. 

She told me that she knows how guilty and heavy her death has been to me... She understood that I had wished I could have spent more time. She insisted that she holds no hard feelings or resentment whatsoever and actually, wanted to tell me that SHE is sorry... For what? I don't know. I just want the time I lost back... Of course, I can't think that way. That, is what is going to be the hardest on facing her death... Wanting her back. 

Candice also mentioned that she's happy, not suffering and peaceful. She wanted me to relay the message to her family and friends that she loves them... I asked how her hair looked; I was so devastated for her... She loved her hair, and to lose it, so fast, I knew it just broke her heart. She replied 'long.' She continued to explain in her cheerful, giggly tone that the great thing about this 'place' is she can do what ever she wants with it. If she wants it short, she can make it short, long, straight, curly, etc. She can do what ever she wants with it... She also giggled, bragging about how skinny she is ;'). She always had a hard time with her body. Self loathing. But now she believes she is the perfect vision of herself :). She, however, didn't realize how important her body was, in this life. She felt like that self loathing is what made her sick in her physical body... Which... Makes sense. She pointed to me and all who was in the room with me, at the time, and said along the lines of, "Love yourself. It is so important understand how beautiful this body is. And what a gift it is. No more negativity." She said that she would whisper it to me in my ear that she is around, when I'm feeling good about myself... She told me how much she loved me, and skipped away... On her merry little way :').

About 5 days ago. I was driving home from the closing shift. And I was just in a chipper mood, singing, dancing in the car. All by myself, like an idiot ;). But I didn't care. I was dancing and singing my heart out to the current 'overplayed' song on the radio, "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk ). I was rocking out to the verse:

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

. . .

Then it happened. She was right next to me. Rocking out and obnoxiously singing and dancing with me. Like we always have. A "whisper in the ear" was a bit of an understatement, I'd say... ;') 

I love you, Girly. Rest In Peace. Fly high. "See ya. On the other side..." :)

Stay Colorful.

Brandyne White

Purple Psyche

The Wheat Field...

The Wheat Field...

So, as my few readers know, I went to a Vibrations/ Healing Connections class last night. I think I might have had my first message-thing, come through during it... But, in order for you to understand, you need the back story... 

I first met my medium thanks to my mother. Got to give her her credit ;P. I had recently lost loved ones and felt I needed some closure... During the end of the session, I asked, "My daughter just looks up, and talks to space. Who do you think that is?" 

She replied eagerly, "You have a son..." I, taken aback, consider the possibility of pregnancy. I knew that was impossible and exclaimed, "WHAT? No, I Don't!" 

"Well, I feel a strong little boy present. And I feel like he's your son." 

"That's who she's talking to?"

"I think so... :)"

My son. Eager to join us on earth.

I, of course, was so moved by this that I just broke down. But this was not the only time this little boy came through. During another session with my mom, he came through again. Along side my Great Grandpa. My medium explained to my mom later how incredible that was. She explained, "This just doesn't happen... Usually they're just patiently waiting up there in Heaven and when the time comes, they are like, 'Okay!' Usually, they are not so eager; They are just , 'okay, if you want to.' But this little boy is so eager! He is ready for [Brandyne] to open that door. When she is ready! ;) This is just not normal."

...

I have always been sensitive to this kind of thing... I have always felt I didn't belong to this world. That there was always something bigger. I have always felt the universe is beyond magical... It's like I walked into a Lord of the Rings book. But without the violence. Just serenity, happiness, content and peace. Love, majesty, Godliness, and spirituality. 

The second I walked into my first session I knew she (My Medium) was going to notice this sensitivity in me. She even brought it up several times that I need to develop the gift. So, I am. I went to this class to expand my abilities. I loved it, to say the least. 

...

At the beginning of every session or class she hosts a moment of silence. A meditation or prayer. 2 minutes of self love and acceptance, peace and Christ's light.

During this, I was clearing my head of all negativity. But there was a specific image that kept coming through, that would not leave my mind, no matter how many times I tried to clear it. The scene would come back more and more clear each time I tried to just focus on the meditation. I, finally, just let it come through.

It was a little boy. Maybe 2 or 3 years old. At least the illusion of a 2-3 year old. He was standing, at a distance, in a tall wheat field. With the warm, orange sun illuminating behind him. I only could see his silhouette. But he was tilting his head innocently, while twirling a wheat grain in his little fingers... He was just staring at me. I felt so warm, so loved and blessed. This rush of emotion just flooded over me. My son? Maybe. :) Or maybe it was an older relative as a child, hinting me to get my son IN MAH BELLEH! ;P 

Either way, I was so grateful for my first known message from the other side... :)

More to come; 

Stay Colorful

Brandyne White

Purple Psyche

                          

The Beginning of an Outlet...

The Beginning of an Outlet...

Sometimes I don't know how to put things into verbal words... It's like I'm swimming in a swamp of thoughts, emotions, and feelings... Then the worries, doubt, confusion and frustration pull me under. I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything. It's just natural that we, as humanity, get overwhelmed... Especially when you are sensitive to not only one energy, myself, but also everyone around me... It's exhausting. 

This is my Purple Psyche. I chose purple for the mere fact that it is my absolute favorite color. On that fact, purple is a loyal, kind, creative, wise, proud, peaceful, mysterious, magical, independent and artistic color. Everything I strive to be. 

The color purple has a variety of effects on the mind and body, including uplifting spirits, calming the mind and nerves, enhancing the sacred, creating feelings of spirituality, increasing nurturing tendencies and sensitivity, and encouraging imagination and creativity.

But then if you have too much purple... That can empower rage, irritability, impatience, and arrogance. Everything that always gets me in trouble... Hence, my purple psyche; rather the battle within myself to understand the universe and accept change and diversity. Enlightenment. 

Life.

Anything and everything that I want to get off my chest. Good and bad, touching and appalling. Topics that resonate within me personally, or just flat out empathy. But in order to spill out my life on the internet, there has to be a "About Me" montage, sort of thing. Yes, the annoying 'Name, Where are you from, Family' intro that everybody hated at ever beginning of the school year. But the most pleasant thing about an online blog being that I don't have to stand up in front of 30 kids, who are just going to end up butchering my name anyway. So here it goes.

Brandyne. Don't you hate when you spell your name correctly, and spell check 'respectfully' disagrees? Um, there is no 'respect' in a red underline, telling you that you don't exist :). Anyway, Brandyne. "Like the boy name." Brand-in. Like, you walk IN to a room. Not Brayden, not Brandeen, not Bran-dine, not BrandON, nor Brandy-wine (yes, I've gotten that before) Brandyne. Simple. 

I was born and raised in a city in Utah, just north of Provo. The question that is on all'z yall'z mind, I'm sure is, "Are you Mormon?" Almost every time I meet someone new, and tell them where I'm from, that's the question I get... Let's put it this way: Yes, I was raised in the LDS church. No, I am not anymore... I found that a lot of the time, it was very contradicting. I found that I would ask a certain question in Sunday School, and I would be told, "You're too young to be asking those kind of questions..." All my curiosity kept getting shoved to the side, over and over, until finally, around High School, I realized that my God is not an 'Angry, Jealous God' and does not have those negative humanly faults. He is perfect and just wants me to be the best I can be; That I shouldn't have to got to church every week to be reminded of what I'm 'supposed' to believe in... I also found that most of the members of the church were very cynical, ironically. They are very judgmental and disapproving of anyone different from them, or grew up in a different environment. Not to say there aren't any members that live the religion right, by any means. I have several Mormon friends and family that are completely loving and accepting of all different diversities and strengths. However, there are the ones who are so devout that they become blind to "What Jesus Would REALLY Do?" And that's the same with all religion in general, in my opinion. Not just Mormonism. But! I'll go deeper on the subject another day. I've already wasted too much space of this entry with religion... Too much I'd care to waste. Oh, well.

 Bear

 Dexter

Yumi & Ichigo

I have 3 cats: Dexter, Yumi and Ichigo. And 1 Shiba Inu: Bear. They are psycho, but I love them. 

I have the most beautiful, sassy, healing daughter in the world. 15 months old, currently. She is my rock. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure you'll read more on her as this blog goes on. Her name is Burke. I had help creating her by my amazing husband, Drew. I swear he saved my life. 

I was going down a dark path. I was going through relationship changes, friendships going down the drain, financial crisis and self harm. Psychological demons and very dark, deep, urges and thoughts. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated myself. I chopped off my foot and a half of hair off my head just cause it carried too much sadness and self loathing. I just grew to believe, just by hanging around the wrong people, that I wasn't worth shit. I believed that I was meant to be just a sex object. There was so much hatred for myself. I was an alcoholic and a chain smoker. Then I met Drew. Via an ex fling, by the way, trying to get me off his back and pawned off to someone else. He was broken too. Scared. Recently divorced. Not really looking for anything serious. Then, as he put it in a poem he wrote me months later, 

Withering I was,

Until she brought me back to life

To light

Cleaning the night from within me

Embracing the crescent moon that 

burdens my heart

She is here, she saved me

Stars glimmering with a flicker of passion

My presence no longer blue

Two wills

Driving my mind 

I now have my resolution

Let us sit

And watch time pass

Every tick of the clock

Every grain of sand

Meaningless in comparison to our devotion

For eternity is ours

-Drew White                                 

He was obviously hooked, as well ;). But I did anything and everything to try and scare him away. A subconscious test, to see if he truly cared. He eventually drove 700 miles to meet me in person. And it was instant. He didn't treat me badly, he respected me, and my body. He was the first man I ever told first that I loved him. Which was a big deal. I instantly moved to Southern California with him, and we were engaged 1 year later, married with Burke on the way another year later. It may seem fast, but he was the only person I ever moved forward WITH. And healed EACH OTHER, rather than one fixing the other then sprouting resentment. I love my husband and he is definitely my personal savior and best friend. I never knew my biological father. So all I wanted in life, was a spectacular man that could be so honest and respectful to me for a husband, and a beautiful dad to our kids. And he has gone up, up and beyond that standard. Although, we do have our tiffs and disagreements, as what marriage doesn't, he will always be my best friend and the best choice for my daughters' daddy and future kids to come. 

Now that that is over with... :) 

That's a fraction of my story. Let's say my last 5 years in a nutshell. 

For anyone who reads this: More to come. This blog is not meant to insult anyone. It's just all the jumbled thoughts in my head. Whether they be true or fantasy... Sometimes I can't tell.

Well, I have to go get ready for a Vibrations and Healing Connections Class. I know, right? Awesome, huh? 

Stay Colorful.

Brandyne White

Purple Psyche