The Beginning of an Outlet...

The Beginning of an Outlet...

Sometimes I don't know how to put things into verbal words... It's like I'm swimming in a swamp of thoughts, emotions, and feelings... Then the worries, doubt, confusion and frustration pull me under. I'm not saying I'm depressed or anything. It's just natural that we, as humanity, get overwhelmed... Especially when you are sensitive to not only one energy, myself, but also everyone around me... It's exhausting. 

This is my Purple Psyche. I chose purple for the mere fact that it is my absolute favorite color. On that fact, purple is a loyal, kind, creative, wise, proud, peaceful, mysterious, magical, independent and artistic color. Everything I strive to be. 

The color purple has a variety of effects on the mind and body, including uplifting spirits, calming the mind and nerves, enhancing the sacred, creating feelings of spirituality, increasing nurturing tendencies and sensitivity, and encouraging imagination and creativity.

But then if you have too much purple... That can empower rage, irritability, impatience, and arrogance. Everything that always gets me in trouble... Hence, my purple psyche; rather the battle within myself to understand the universe and accept change and diversity. Enlightenment. 

Life.

Anything and everything that I want to get off my chest. Good and bad, touching and appalling. Topics that resonate within me personally, or just flat out empathy. But in order to spill out my life on the internet, there has to be a "About Me" montage, sort of thing. Yes, the annoying 'Name, Where are you from, Family' intro that everybody hated at ever beginning of the school year. But the most pleasant thing about an online blog being that I don't have to stand up in front of 30 kids, who are just going to end up butchering my name anyway. So here it goes.

Brandyne. Don't you hate when you spell your name correctly, and spell check 'respectfully' disagrees? Um, there is no 'respect' in a red underline, telling you that you don't exist :). Anyway, Brandyne. "Like the boy name." Brand-in. Like, you walk IN to a room. Not Brayden, not Brandeen, not Bran-dine, not BrandON, nor Brandy-wine (yes, I've gotten that before) Brandyne. Simple. 

I was born and raised in a city in Utah, just north of Provo. The question that is on all'z yall'z mind, I'm sure is, "Are you Mormon?" Almost every time I meet someone new, and tell them where I'm from, that's the question I get... Let's put it this way: Yes, I was raised in the LDS church. No, I am not anymore... I found that a lot of the time, it was very contradicting. I found that I would ask a certain question in Sunday School, and I would be told, "You're too young to be asking those kind of questions..." All my curiosity kept getting shoved to the side, over and over, until finally, around High School, I realized that my God is not an 'Angry, Jealous God' and does not have those negative humanly faults. He is perfect and just wants me to be the best I can be; That I shouldn't have to got to church every week to be reminded of what I'm 'supposed' to believe in... I also found that most of the members of the church were very cynical, ironically. They are very judgmental and disapproving of anyone different from them, or grew up in a different environment. Not to say there aren't any members that live the religion right, by any means. I have several Mormon friends and family that are completely loving and accepting of all different diversities and strengths. However, there are the ones who are so devout that they become blind to "What Jesus Would REALLY Do?" And that's the same with all religion in general, in my opinion. Not just Mormonism. But! I'll go deeper on the subject another day. I've already wasted too much space of this entry with religion... Too much I'd care to waste. Oh, well.

 Bear

 Dexter

Yumi & Ichigo

I have 3 cats: Dexter, Yumi and Ichigo. And 1 Shiba Inu: Bear. They are psycho, but I love them. 

I have the most beautiful, sassy, healing daughter in the world. 15 months old, currently. She is my rock. She is my light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure you'll read more on her as this blog goes on. Her name is Burke. I had help creating her by my amazing husband, Drew. I swear he saved my life. 

I was going down a dark path. I was going through relationship changes, friendships going down the drain, financial crisis and self harm. Psychological demons and very dark, deep, urges and thoughts. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated myself. I chopped off my foot and a half of hair off my head just cause it carried too much sadness and self loathing. I just grew to believe, just by hanging around the wrong people, that I wasn't worth shit. I believed that I was meant to be just a sex object. There was so much hatred for myself. I was an alcoholic and a chain smoker. Then I met Drew. Via an ex fling, by the way, trying to get me off his back and pawned off to someone else. He was broken too. Scared. Recently divorced. Not really looking for anything serious. Then, as he put it in a poem he wrote me months later, 

Withering I was,

Until she brought me back to life

To light

Cleaning the night from within me

Embracing the crescent moon that 

burdens my heart

She is here, she saved me

Stars glimmering with a flicker of passion

My presence no longer blue

Two wills

Driving my mind 

I now have my resolution

Let us sit

And watch time pass

Every tick of the clock

Every grain of sand

Meaningless in comparison to our devotion

For eternity is ours

-Drew White                                 

He was obviously hooked, as well ;). But I did anything and everything to try and scare him away. A subconscious test, to see if he truly cared. He eventually drove 700 miles to meet me in person. And it was instant. He didn't treat me badly, he respected me, and my body. He was the first man I ever told first that I loved him. Which was a big deal. I instantly moved to Southern California with him, and we were engaged 1 year later, married with Burke on the way another year later. It may seem fast, but he was the only person I ever moved forward WITH. And healed EACH OTHER, rather than one fixing the other then sprouting resentment. I love my husband and he is definitely my personal savior and best friend. I never knew my biological father. So all I wanted in life, was a spectacular man that could be so honest and respectful to me for a husband, and a beautiful dad to our kids. And he has gone up, up and beyond that standard. Although, we do have our tiffs and disagreements, as what marriage doesn't, he will always be my best friend and the best choice for my daughters' daddy and future kids to come. 

Now that that is over with... :) 

That's a fraction of my story. Let's say my last 5 years in a nutshell. 

For anyone who reads this: More to come. This blog is not meant to insult anyone. It's just all the jumbled thoughts in my head. Whether they be true or fantasy... Sometimes I can't tell.

Well, I have to go get ready for a Vibrations and Healing Connections Class. I know, right? Awesome, huh? 

Stay Colorful.

Brandyne White

Purple Psyche