Duane Martin
I miss Duane. I do everyday. Not to discredit my little brother in anyway. I know he is more heartbroken and still healing from his death and that's absolutely understandable. Duane was not my Biological Father, as much as I wish he was, but alas, I don't choose these things in this place we call 'Life.' Duane is my Brother's Biological Father, Dad, Daddy, Da Da. But I never got that. I never had that Father Figure in my life. Which is fine! It's made me who I am. And made me the strong woman I always strive to be. But him being my Brother's dad, he was around enough for me to kind of grow that bond with him over time.
Of course there was the times where my mom and him would get in fights and I'd be on moms side because... She's my mom ;) Times I was just a little kid trying to fit in with the grown ups and get mad at him for something I don't even know what the heck they were fighting about. But he'd come around again for his visitation for my brother, and honestly, how can you stay mad at that puppy dog face? You can't. He always found his way back on your good list. Not in a bad or manipulative way, at all. Just in a charismatic, you know you love me, I'm sorry about the other night, way ;) .
Now, my mom didn't always fall for it... Hardly ever. But me, a little girl, desperate for a daddy, ALWAYS fell for it :) He was never a bad dad, never hurtful to us, always wrestled in the living room and watched batman beyond with River and I. I remember when he tried to teach me guitar... What a bust that was... Haha. But he was putting that effort and pride into teaching me something new. Even though I was a lost cause with the guitar ;P. I remember when I was REALLY little, I was over at his house and he was showing off his guitar collection to me and River... I remember thinking, "Whoa... Duane's a Rockstar in disguise!"
I remember when my mom and her, at the time, best friend were in a big fight. I mean a almost a year long silence. And he was actually the one who convinced mom to call her and got them talking again. He was always the peace maker. While at the same time, teasingly cocky with the 'I'm awesome' attitude.
He always made us laugh. He was so so great with kids. I never felt left out when he was around. Except, of course, when he would leave with River and not me. But I always had that bond with Duane. Like he was one of the few men in my life that helped fill that hole. That missing, no dad, hole.
...
Every chance he gets, he will come through in a Medium Session. He's come through in River's session, my mom's private session, Mine, and even classes I've been to. During these he's always let me know how much of a daughter I was to him. That the blood relation doesn't mean anything... He told me that he knows and feels me miss him every single day. And it's true. I pray for his guidance and light everyday. When I'm having a bad day, alone in my car; he's who I go to. He knew about the relationships I had phased out. He knew I was doing what was best for me and stood by me. He knew about Burke and how much he adores her and feels like she is my world, my constant, my hero. She brought me to reality and the beauty of motherhood. He knew about my husband, and how he pulled me out of the darkness. He told me how proud he was of me, as a Dad would. Everything I need to hear from a father.
I was taught how to practice my connections at home in my most recent class. And so I did. I thought about the love I feel for Duane. The healing and Gods warm light. I thought about all my chakras aligning and energizing and my forehead felt like someone was lightly pushing on it with their finger, my third eye.
So when I was finished with asking for messages to come only through God's light, I felt Duane around. My blood shifted and my arms felt warm. Acknowledging his presence was the first baby step for me. So asking questions and getting answers is all new and jumbled to me.
Pictures, images, and scenes kept popping up in my mind. All I could focus on was some kind of car crash or close call with one, or even just the inside of a car, looking out the windshield on a rainy night. It was something he was feeling guilty for but I couldn't put my finger on it. And my head was already jumbled and new to all of this information. But I do remember this specific conversation very clearly, I said, ''Duane, I wish..." and immediately, I heard an interruption from him saying, "Call me 'Dad'." I kind of just sat there and responded..."I don't know how River would feel about that..." Then all I heard back was... "Give him time."
I sat there kind of stunned and confused and started to close my portal for the night and told him I loved him, and that I wished him and mom had a better relationship while he was here on earth... I heard back, "We will." My mom was so happy to hear that ;) .
There are so many people who love and miss Duane... He touched so many lives. He would have made an excellent Grandpa for my Burke. Regardless of blood relation.
He will always have that place in my heart.
My life has changed for the better these passed few months. I've accepted that I am meant to learn this work and help everyone who will let me. Including myself.
Even with the knowledge I have of this work, I still find my self starstruck with amazement. He'll still give me goosebumps. To this day, without fail, every time I ask him for guidance and strength, "Come Sail Away" by Styx pops on the radio... That is the only answer I need.
He will always be a Dad to me.
Stay Colorful.
Brandyne White
Purple Psyche
Photo Credit: Julie Denter and Jill Rigby
No comments:
Post a Comment