It's been a while...

I have been really anxious as of late... I have always had high anxiety, ever since i was a kid. But it seems like it has gotten REALLY bad recently... I had a panic attack over a lost shoe of my daughters'. Freaking out at my husband for stupid little things like not having the litter box cleaned by the time I got off work. Or even more trivial scenarios such as not cleaning up his beard hair out of the sink! I was so affected by this anxiety that I was questioning even having more kids...

I was worried about too many irrational things. I would lie awake at night worried that Burke would feel left out or not loved. That she would retaliate and get angry with a new baby around. I know that jealousy is just human nature; Am I grasping for too much to want her to be excited for a baby brother or sister? To want her to protect and cuddle him/her at all times. I know that I am conscious that the problem could potentially rise, so I know it won't, I will not let it. But the thought of her feeling neglected always came crawling back into my head. Like a devil shoulder-angel whispering in my ear. 

I always get talked down when I have a panic attack. Told the same thing. "When the baby is getting attention from you, then Drew will pick up Burke on his lap and give her the same attention." or "She is so bored. She requires us to entertain her. With a sibling, they will entertain themselves. It will be good for her." and "Just involve her in helping out with the baby. Make her feel important to the babys' growth." 

As I said, this always works. But then worries would come creeping back. So, I went to the Doctor. I am now medicated for anxiety. It's been about 3 weeks and I feel great. I'm finding that I am doing things, just to be nice. Not to say I wasn't nice before, I hope ;P. But I would just get nervous and anxious about time management and how people would react if I did anything outside the current "Plan" for that day. 

Plans were not allowed to be broken. Schedules were supposed to be kept. It was not acceptable that life just changes plans. People would just consider this behavior snooty or spoiled. But I really just couldn't handle change... Abrupt forks in the road. 

Back to being nice: I have taken the garbage out to the front of the driveway for my husband... Just because I felt like it... I laugh. I actually can get my butt off the couch to clean the house. I have no problems getting up for work anymore. I may get a little tired sooner, and go to bed earlier than I normally would. But I see that as a good thing! Before the medication, I was an insomniac. I would stay awake until 2 or 3 am then have to wake up at 8am for a 8 hr shift. 

I am so grateful for modern medicine... No more worries... Well, not as many ;) I just wanted to express my excitement. I can relax now. Enjoy a bubble bath without 1,000 problems on my mind. I approve this pro- modern medicine message. Trust your doctors!  

Stay Colorful.

Brandyne White

Purple Psyche